Living with an ADD/ADHD Spouse or Partner

Dealing with Challenges of Adult Relationships Involving ADD/ADHD

May 9, 2009

The prototype for the person with ADD/ADHD is a young person, but what about relationships the ADD/ADHD adult has with his or her spouse or partner?

The average person may think Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects only children, or perhaps college age adults. As the population of those diagnosed with the disorder ages, however, it may begin experiencing difficulties in interpersonal relationships, particularly with spouses or close partners.

By the same token, for the partner of the person with ADD or ADHD, understanding how the disorder bears on the relationship can affect quality of life. Often the non-ADD/ADHD can become frustrated and overwhelmed by unfinished home projects, forgotten appointments, or inattention to everyday duties.

Capturing the focus of the spouse or partner with ADD or ADHD is one trick which often keeps a husband or wife from having to repeat themselves. In simple terms, making eye contact and speaking very clearly and directly can help immensely. Writing down reminders to reinforce verbal requests or input is another strategy.

Richard B. Austin, Jr., Ph.D., in his article, Solutions for Intimacy Problems for Adults with ADHD, suggests that “active, careful listening with a feedback loop” is essential to eliminating the gap between adults who have ADHD (or ADD) and those who don’t. The “feedback loop” is simply a way of paraphrasing the non-ADD/ADHD spouse after he or she listens to what is being said. Any discrepancy in meaning can then be clarified. Additionally, it requires concentration on the part of the ADD/ADHD adult.

Time's Up

Allowing adequate time for projects, including time for distractions, can help a couple conquer daily projects as well as long-term goals. Making time lines more realistic by setting “interruption allotments” can prevent frustration. It’s all about expectations. Not lowering them, just being realistic.

Dr. David W. Goodman, M.D., assistant professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and Director of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Center of Maryland asserts that ADD/ADHD symptoms can increase during stressful times. It is most important for the non-ADD/ADHD spouse or partner to realize at these times that symptoms such as ineffective time management, forgetfulness, and procrastination may worsen due to stress. An adult or couple may want to seek professional psychiatric help involving a combination of drug- and talk-therapy.

Using ADD/ADHD as an excuse, however, is not appropriate. Neither the person with the disorder nor his or her spouse should blame behavior on it. Blaming behavior on the disorder could create a dangerous tendency to absolve the ADD/ADHD person of responsibility.

Of course, if the spouse or partner with ADD or ADHD recognizes the strain his or her disorder places on the relationship he or she may consciously address it. Allowing open discussions about the effects of the disorder on the dynamic between two people is a sign of real willingness to improve the relationship. Remembering to treat adult ADD/ADHD relationships with the respect and care they require is paramount to being successful.

The copyright of the article Living with an ADD/ADHD Spouse or Partner in ADD/ADHD is owned by Joelle Godwin. Permission to republish Living with an ADD/ADHD Spouse or Partner in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.