Children with Attention Deficit Disorder, with or without hyperactivity, are generally characterized as having an inattentive and impulsive nature. They may be extremely active, fidgety, talkative, and restless. They may have difficulty paying attention, forget things easily, and interrupt others. After a divorce, children may have a hard time reigning in negative behaviors and may suffer consequences both at home and at school.
"It’s All My Fault"
Children often blame themselves for their parent’s separation. However, children with ADD may have additional food for this thought. Maybe mom and dad fought continually about their child’s behavior, or about doctor’s appointments or parent-teacher conferences. Perhaps mom and dad argued occasionally about whether or not to medicate their ADD child. To children, whose worldview is slightly limited, they may focus on these particular arguments and blame themselves for the entire divorce.
New Living Arrangements
Children with ADD work particularly hard at maintaining a routine that makes them feel safe and comfortable. Many of these children rely on daily planners, calendars, sticker charts, and positive praise. When divorce uproots a family and causes a move or a change in schools, it can take a toll on the ADD child. It may take them some time to feel comfortable with new teachers and classmates, especially if the move occurred in the middle of a school year.
Children with ADD also have a tendency to miss "normal" social cues and often have difficulty forging lasting friendships. They may be made fun of for their inattention and tendency to say things impulsively. This can be trying during a divorce, when children most need people on their side to talk to and to play with. They may feel isolated and alone, which can result in a deepening depression.
Children must also cope with missing the non-custodial parent, especially if that parent has moved far away. They may be separated from siblings, pets, and familiar surroundings. This can be hard on children who particularly rely on routine and security.
Lashing Out
During the tumultuous period that follows a divorce, children with ADD may lash out at parents, teachers, friends, and themselves. They may feel angry, hurt, fearful, anxious, sad, stressed, misunderstood, and withdrawn. These feelings may manifest in sudden outbursts, name-calling, throwing objects, or fights picked with siblings or peers. They may feel more anxious than usual and have even more difficulty concentrating on schoolwork or simple tasks.
Coping With Divorce: Tips for Parents of ADD Children
Parents can alleviate the negative consequences of divorce in a number of ways:
- Divorcing parents of a child with ADD must reassure the child that the divorce is in no way his fault. The divorce is the result of a long history of problems that exist primarily between mom and dad, and does not involve the child in any way.
- Both parents must work to reassure the child that he is loved and will be cared for.
- Parents should try to be available to listen to their child’s concerns and fears with patience and love.
- Additionally, parents may want to secure the help of a school psychologist or family counselor.
- For the ADD child who relies heavily on routine, parents should do their best maintain stability. Even if kids can’t be kept in the same school or neighborhood, parents can still reinforce bedtimes and disciplinary consequences.
- Parents need to work together to ensure that routines stay the same in both households.
- Children should be encouraged to keep in contact with the non-custodial parent and parents should be cordial in front of the children.
- Parents should speak to their child’s new teacher beforehand and alert the school of the child’s attention disorder so that necessary arrangements can be made.
- As a child with ADD is usually physically energetic, parents should encourage him to participate in sports or other outdoor activities regularly to burn energy and reduce stress.
- Give the child additional outlets for his feelings, such as a journal, art notebook, or music lessons.
- Do not put the child in the middle of the conflict and never use them to deliver messages to the other parent.
- Let the child make his own choices whenever possible, so that he feels he has some semblance of control over his life.
- Teach the child Relaxation Techniques to ease his pain, frustration, and anger.
- Learn how to Encourage Friendships with the ADD child.
Dealing with divorce is a time consuming, complex process. It may take children with Attention Deficit Disorder weeks or even months to feel comfortable with new arrangements and routines. They may need extra help appropriating their negative feelings. Both parents need to stay involved in their child’s life to reassure him that he is loved and that he will survive this difficult period.
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